dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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