Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
and she was petting her beer can
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
