Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
