So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
