shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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