her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
