I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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