Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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