he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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