Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize