the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
