She is in my trunk
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize