I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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