omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
