Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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