my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
