I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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