She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize