They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
