I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The adults are the big ones right?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
