Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
