I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the condom got lost in my hair
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
