I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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