I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
