i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
