I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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