ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
