i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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