I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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