I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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