Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
