I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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