so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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