Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
