I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
