We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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