Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
