i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize