My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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