I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
