dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
