Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize