i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
