i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
