We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
