my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
