I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
