I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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