Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
