you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
