When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
