dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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