If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
