I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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