I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
